defy gravity!

Mariah, who is eleven, asked me what ebbs meant (from my last blog). It’s where I am now, Maruji; the quiet end of this turmoil. Something stirred the whole damn thing again a few days ago, when R’s unfathomable devotion to my personal joy moved him to find us, with his mother and sister, at P’s house somewhere in Banawa. I was just an incidental in that equation, seeming to be just in that fortunate place at that fortuituous time.

His folks were incredible. P won the genetic lottery by getting two goodlooking parents, who were also as kind as they were gorgeous . I sat there poring over scrabooks P’s mother assembled on R’s career (the best friend), as well as her son’s famous ex-girlfriend. The woman certainly had the arts and crafts thing going.

I felt that sinking feeling in my heart again when I am surrounded by all this picture-perfect joy. I was jealous, and yet genuinely happy for them.

R had his typically proper, businesslike reasons for picking P up that night. I had a more personal, heartwrenching one. Earlier in the day, P joked: "I’ll give you time to miss me." I was there because I already did. Painfully so.

But it goes deeper than that, and a public log is no place to start going there. Ah, the tide rises once again. I’ll wait for it willingly, making sure not to tether myself to anything solid. This time around, I’ll try to allow it to buoy me, and take me where it surges.