defy gravity!

The longest I have stayed at one place as a permanent resident is five years. Well, not counting the years before University. Los Baños for five, Mandaluyong for three, and this is my fifth year in Cebu. I feel that itch to pack up my bags and stray.

I guess I feel it is easier to just uproot myself and plant my new life in virgin territory. I guess you would say I was running from something. I guess we’re both right.

I’m running away from the memory of wanting something you just cannot have. I thought that, like most stimuli that is administered in constant low dosages, constant exposure to him would numb me sooner or later. Here’s the layman’s take on it…we have a million nerve endings on our skin that are sensitive to pressure. If the brain did not have the ability to screen stimuli, we would be bothered by the feel of clothes and walk around naked instead (which isn’t entirely a bad idea, come to think of it).

I thought seeing him all the time would desensitize me; I was wrong. I can’t get over how goodlooking he is, how sexy his laugh sounds, how funny he sounded when he mock-scolded me when Globe’s service was interrupted, how cute he was when he called me a, ahem, woman of loose morals in a light moment during dinner. I can’t wait to see him become the man he wants to be, a few years from now when he has found a job. I just can’t wait.

So why run away?

Bonnie Raitt has this to say:

I’ll close my eyes
                  then I won’t see
                  the love you don’t feel
                  when you’re holding me

Morning will come
                  and I’ll do what’s right
                  just give me till then
                  to give up this fight
  and I will give up this fight

Cause I can’t make you love me
                  if you don’t
                  You can’t make your heart feel
                  something it won’t
                  Here in the dark
                  in these final hours
                  I will lay down my heart
                  And I’ll feel the power
                  but you won’t
                  No, you won’t
                  Cause I can’t make you love me
                  if you don’t

(for P)

I’m tired of pregnant pauses and the spaces in betweens; I’m tired of things that get stuck in your throat and unsent messages waiting in the outbox (for a year now). I’m tired of half-meant jokes cracked to carry feelings fully-meant; I’m freaking tired of being in your company and knowing you’d rather be somewhere else (and if indeed you’re happy where you are, can you please say so and sound like you really mean it?)

I’m tired of being called wholesome, called a sister, called an aunt they never had, some banal filial connection that becomes so despicable in its squeaky-clean state of sanitation. I’m tired of hanging out with you and suffering in this silence, because I’m too afraid of changing the sacred status quo. I’m tired of wanting you so much, and knowing that I could make you the happiest man on this earth, but I’m waiting for a change of heart that will never come. I cannot be what you are looking for, because I heard you sigh that line that starts with my curse…"If only…"

Well, I cannot be the last few words of that line. There is no next lifetime for me to wait for.

Last night when you said "Why not?" when I lamented out loud to some friends that I would never get to have you for myself anyway,  I wanted to let the tears just start to fall. But I did the next best thing, laugh and pass it off as a silly joke. I should have taken that kiss you offered on your cheek. Because I am so damn tired of all this pussyfooting. I’m tired of waiting for that hug that you will give me. And not because I asked. But because you know I need it so bad.

(from me)