defy gravity!

i’ve had to give up a lot of dreams, now that i’m a little less idealistic and a little more realistic.

one, walking down that aisle towards THE someone. sigh. i even have the music planned out (Edwin McCain’s "Could not ask for more" sung by a choir, although the winner would be Carissa’s…"Bongga ka day" in multiple-part harmony), and the gown (unembellished Monique, in a luxurious fabric). watching too many movies precipitated this daydream (Bicentennial Man is to blame for this one), so i guess the Hollywood machine just claimed its latest victim.

"I have a friend. And when I’m with him, I don’t want to be with Frank," Little Miss says.

"Then the answer is staring you right in the face…" Andrew, the android, begins to say. "Marry your friend."

"Oh, " Little Miss laughs a little tentatively, "But a relationship between us just isn’t possible…"

I gulped. Audibly. That’s my story right there. Every single damn time I even start to think of falling in love, I have to nip it in the bud because, sigh, well…Little Miss just told you.

Where do i go from here? Nowhere, and everywhere. there are things i have to deal with, so you have to forgive me if sometimes i feel like giving up because it gets, darn, too complicated for me. i’m afraid that i’ll get so used to this thing we have that when you decide to go on ahead with things a little less difficult to understand…i can’t even finish what i want to say (sigh).

YM and this darn blog. I’m braver here. Darn.

five o clock at the office and i’m loaded with wine. so whatever happens next should be taken with a grain of salt…don’t take me seriously now, i’m stoned/happy/drunk

marie says :"you’re disgustingly happy", as if happy couldn’t stand on its own to describe what i looked to her at that moment, she had to add a potent descriptor. i must admit, this was a time to celebrate. just a day ago, a dream i had as a child happened. it involved an introduction between two people that rocked my world…God truly as a sly sense of humor.

i have no reason now to be sad. he’s "liberated" (his own words) from the chains that used to bind him. is it ridiculous that i worry over these things? he says i am silly for worrying, but i cannot help it. you will become a better man, and by God i will be alive to see it. i must sound like a lovesick puppy to everyone (forgive me), but the truth is…i am not. i am a DRUNK lovesick puppy, teeeheeee.

but, settling down, here are the facts:

1. i will not stop smiling. i cannot. there is no reason for me not to be thankful now.
2. i AM disgustingly happy. "somewhere in my youth or childhood, i must have done something good."
3. the alcohol is making me so giddy, is everyone smiling because i smiled first?
4. i am rambling. this is bliss.

remind me to erase this tomorrow. i don’t want to be silly for long, hahaha.

me

I’m ok now. sweet you rock, and sweet you roll. this rollercoaster i chose to ride with him is a crazy thing, getting even more lunatic in proportion as we, like random bodies in the air, collided. and got comfortably closer.

some prayers are answered in epic scale, mine were in little earthquakes that rocked my little world. my good boy is trying real hard, and every little effort i can see (trust me, i see, my precious).i’m a warrior, he jokes. i nod. because i can feel that you mean it.

last night, over dinner, i was my old self again. i was a riot! i’m back. sweet you rock and sweet you roll. who knew that at my age and with what i have done in my life, i could still be dependent on someone for my happiness. but i’m done being crumpled…after all, he’s smoothed the wrinkles of his life too.

these are things i am thankful for. the little things in this busy life that matter to me. i’m not quite the whirlwind you might think i am. i’m quiet, still, constant. i’m just here. always here. and i keep whispering these winged words, dropping them at any time of the day. hoping that, as sweet they rock, and sweet they roll…you keep them in your heart because they are all i know to be True.

you are amazing.